To: Militant Loonies on the Christian Right
FR: ACE Bible Printing Company
RE: Factual errors in our product
It has recently come to our attention that a shipment of Christian Bibles sent to your organization contained several errors. We most heartily apologize for this. Please allow me to address these errors and offer corrections:
1. Jesus' real name was Joshua ben Joseph ("Joshua, son of Joseph")
2. Joshua ben Joseph was a Jew.
3. A fairly liberal Jew.
4. Joshua ben Joseph may have been black, or at the least dark-skinned.
5. He studied magic in Egypt for several years [cf. "Holy Blood, Holy Grail"; "The Templar Revelations"]
6. Joshua ben Joseph did NOT take ANY position on the following:
*Tax cuts (in fact he said, "Render unto Ceasar what is Ceasar's!" i.e. Pay taxes!)
*Janet Jackson's nipple on national television
7. He was most likely married, and most likely fathered children.
8. He actually said: "Love thy neighbor." Your version has Joshua ben Joseph incorrectly saying: "Love thy neighbor-- unless he is gay, liberal, super-smart, literate, interesting, a Northerner, Jewish, or Catholic."
9. Joshua ben Joseph preached love and acceptence, not hatred and bigotry against those who are "different."
10. The Jews DID NOT kill Joshua --- the Romans did.
We sincerely hope that this letter has rectified in your mind these mistakes. We will be sending you corrected versions of the Bible as soon as we can. In the meantime, please insert this letter into your copy, to remind you of these errors.
Yours in Christ,
ACE Bible Printing Company